“Promise me you’ll always remember — you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” • A. A. Milne
Every morning, before I toss them into my mouth, I hesitate. I could just STOP. Stop fighting, stop this battle. Admit defeat. I could choose that. Most mornings, the hesitation is short lived. Some mornings, though, it seems harder to force myself to take these goddamned pills again.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." • Robert Frost
I've been taking these meds consistently for a decade. A decade. And I've been on and off them for over two decades. I was prescribed my first psych meds around the age of 14. I've been dealing with depression, hypomania, and bizarre thoughts and experiences ever since. That's over twenty years.
“I knew well enough that one could fracture one’s legs and arms and recover afterward, but I did not know that you could fracture the brain in your head and recover from that too.” • Vincent van Gogh
I try to imagine taking meds indefinitely. Forever. I can't. I just can't do it. Some day, I'll give up and let the insanity in. I know it. I will fail.
"Could you imagine a windstorm without the rustling of the leaves? You are made of the same stuff as the leaves - and the wind. You are meant to be rustled." • Tehya Sky
I don't know where my breaking point will be. I don't know. Maybe my late 40s? Early 50s? Somewhere around there, my future becomes fuzzy. I can't imagine making it to retirement. Can't even fathom it.
“Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me.” • Vincent van Gogh
People talk about how strong I am. But I don't feel it. I'm a trainwreck. I'm a dumpster fire. I barely get by on most days.
"I have found God, but he is insufficient." • Henry Miller
I think about these things when I can't sleep. I try to imagine me at 60. Tottering, jerking and shaking from years of antipsychotics. I try to imagine that, and I can't. I just see gray. I just don't know how to plan for a future I don't expect to see.
“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” • Vincent van Gogh
My own suspicion is that, somewhere around the age of 50, I will give up, succumb to my illness, and die by my own hand. I know that's dark and gloomy. But it's what I see. I have a hard time planning for anything but that. I try. I really try.
"Life, with its rules, its obligations, and its freedoms, is like a sonnet: You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself." • Madeleine L'Engle
People don't like talking about this stuff. I know that. It makes it so hard. There's this stigma around mental illness that never goes away, and it's taboo to talk about not being able to see anything but this darkness. I want you to know I try to see better things.
"When I stopped to take a breath, I noticed I had wings." • Jodi Livon
I wake up to another morning of these pills. Always these pills. The yellow one, the orange one, the pink one. More and more pills down my gaping gullet. I don't see an ending to it any time soon. Always these pills. How long will I be able to convince myself that it's worth it? I don't know.
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