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I remember being sixteen and in love. Love was so tragic then. So final. I really thought that I knew it all. I remember when my dad took my notebooks. I was so traumatized. I remember hiding notes in my room. I was so torn. So confused. HER or HER? HER or HIM?
I remember dancing. The treehouse. Watching a mother duck. Listening to Ricky Martin. Was I really that intense? I remember walking home from the library. Cross dressers coming to church. Blue boots. I remember bonfires and music and the Geo and class rings. I don't feel like that could have been me. I am not that person. Am I?
I often wonder where I would be if I made a different choice. Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Would I be me? What would have happened to the people I love now? How many of them would I have never known?
Some days I long for the tragic intensity of my youth. I wish I was still that person. Whoever he is.
"And there's a song on the radio playin' and we dance to it tonight, in the secrets and the promises, in the shadows and the light. Alone, but never lonely..."
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“I will love you forever; whatever happens. Till I die and after I die, and when I find my way out of the land of the dead, I’ll drift about forever, all my atoms, till I find you again. I’ll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we’ll cling together so tight that nothing and no one’ll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you. We’ll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams. And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me.” • Phillip Pullman, in The Amber Spyglass
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