Just the Cat's Pyjamas

This isn't real. None of this is real.  These memories aren't mine. Who put them in my head? Why are they here? How did they get here? Who owns these memories? A pulse of electrical energy. A spark. It pulses again. A pulse. My pulse. Tick. Tick tick. Tick tick tick. The tick tick ticking of the veins across my feeble hands catches my attention for a moment.  My hands? Are these my hands? They seem alien, and somehow foreign. This isn't real. None of it. It's not real. None of it is real. I woke up this morning in this body. This form. This frame. This fat sallow skin. Is this my body? Do I belong in this sad sack of meat and muscle and electricity? I woke up this morning inside this body. Is it mine? None of it seems familiar. It's all so alien and strange. Is this my life? Do I know these people? Are these my thoughts? Are these my memories? My habits and routines? Where did all this mess in my brain come from, exactly? Who put this in my head? None of it is famil...

"If I say your voice is an amber waterfall in which I yearn to burn each day, if you eat my mouth like a mystical rose with powers of healing and damnation, if I confess that your body is the only civilization I long to experience - would it mean that we are close to knowing something about love?" • Aberjhani --------------------------- Time is an illusion. In this place, there is only you and me. I had a dream. A dream where I was flying, flying high above you. A dream where you and I could soar together. I loved you. Our story should have been epic. Love without end. Magic and mystery unfolding across the millennia, the tale of one soul in two bodies. That should have been our story, that should have been our song. What is this place? Is this real? Is any of this real? The storm crashes all around us. A deluge of panic and fear. I tumble to the earth. The sky grows black with anger and dread. We reach out our hands, searching for one another in the darkness. Love? They say ...

I hear the whirring of cogs and gears as my mind begins to buzz and hum with that eternally raging manic energy that I have missed so much. Breathe deeply. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe deeply. No. Deeper. The thoughts rush in like a torrent. I am underwater. I am drowning. No sign of land. No sign of land. Is this real? Is any of this real? The sky mustard gray, as the filthy earth shifts beneath my frame. This world will burn one day. The sun, old and tired, will spread out past the moon, and set this world on fire. The moon. My sister the moon. Cold and lonely. Hidden from the sun. She hangs silently, the guardian of the night. Silver glittering stars hum to her. Their song crackles on the cool night breeze. The Earth. My mother the Earth. I was born of her, I suckled at her breast. Rain washes her, freeing her of the day's dust and filth. Sweet Mother Earth. Sing to me. Hum a soft sad tune. The hills whisper my name, calling me to live among them. Free, like a wild beast, naked and u...

This blog post includes discussion of suicidal ideation. Please be advised. If you are thinking of harming yourself or are concerned about someone you love, please utilize the resources below. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline [USA] Call :  1-800-273-8255 Website :  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org Chat :  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in December 2009 following a summer filled with raging manic energy and then that inevitable crash into the darkest suicidal depression I have ever experienced. I spent about five days in the hospital, where I received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. My diagnosis has changed a couple times and it's been added to since then, but that was the beginning of this journey back to wellness on which I still find myself. I have always written in diaries and journals, and below you will find scattered entries and random documents I scribbled into t...

Please enjoy this short selection of miscellaneous poetic works by the Author of this blog. I am naked hungry and afraid Dark. So dark.  The scent of cedar Mildew and rot.  Decay.  I am alone.  So lonely.  I am afraid.  The taste of rust acrid in the air as mud and rain pour from  my feeble wrists into a river.  A rumble.  A crack!  Illumination.  I am the last of my kind.  Endangered.  Endangered?  I am extinct.  I long to consume you. Flesh, blood and bone. Watch, as I unhinge my jaw and swallow you whole. You do not struggle. You allow yourself to be taken in. Your flesh will be my flesh, your bones will be my bones. I will consume you. I long to be crushed. I long to suffocate under the weight of it all. To slowly be smothered. I long to feel my bones shatter as I am pressed. I long to feel the last shallow breath escape my lungs. I long to submit to the hopelessness. I long to be numb. I a...