Just the Cat's Pyjamas

This isn't real. None of this is real.  These memories aren't mine. Who put them in my head? Why are they here? How did they get here? Who owns these memories? A pulse of electrical energy. A spark. It pulses again. A pulse. My pulse. Tick. Tick tick. Tick tick tick. The tick tick ticking of the veins across my feeble hands catches my attention for a moment.  My hands? Are these my hands? They seem alien, and somehow foreign. This isn't real. None of it. It's not real. None of it is real. I woke up this morning in this body. This form. This frame. This fat sallow skin. Is this my body? Do I belong in this sad sack of meat and muscle and electricity? I woke up this morning inside this body. Is it mine? None of it seems familiar. It's all so alien and strange. Is this my life? Do I know these people? Are these my thoughts? Are these my memories? My habits and routines? Where did all this mess in my brain come from, exactly? Who put this in my head? None of it is famil...

"If I say your voice is an amber waterfall in which I yearn to burn each day, if you eat my mouth like a mystical rose with powers of healing and damnation, if I confess that your body is the only civilization I long to experience - would it mean that we are close to knowing something about love?" • Aberjhani --------------------------- Time is an illusion. In this place, there is only you and me. I had a dream. A dream where I was flying, flying high above you. A dream where you and I could soar together. I loved you. Our story should have been epic. Love without end. Magic and mystery unfolding across the millennia, the tale of one soul in two bodies. That should have been our story, that should have been our song. What is this place? Is this real? Is any of this real? The storm crashes all around us. A deluge of panic and fear. I tumble to the earth. The sky grows black with anger and dread. We reach out our hands, searching for one another in the darkness. Love? They say ...

This blog post includes discussion of suicidal ideation. Please be advised. If you are thinking of harming yourself or are concerned about someone you love, please utilize the resources below. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline [USA] Call :  1-800-273-8255 Website :  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org Chat :  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in December 2009 following a summer filled with raging manic energy and then that inevitable crash into the darkest suicidal depression I have ever experienced. I spent about five days in the hospital, where I received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. My diagnosis has changed a couple times and it's been added to since then, but that was the beginning of this journey back to wellness on which I still find myself. I have always written in diaries and journals, and below you will find scattered entries and random documents I scribbled into t...

"Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone." • Jiddu Krishnamurti One day, we will all be dead.  Me. You.  Friends. Family.  Parents. Kids.  All of us - dead. I don't know why we spend so much of our time hiding from Death. Why it terrifies us so much. Maybe it is the sterility of modern Western traditions regarding Death and mourning. We don't hold, wash or dress the body. We don't lay our own bodies across the corpse and weep for our loss. We don't celebrate the ancestors and their traditions. We have made everything so sterile. So white. So unfeeling and cold. I long to wash and bathe and dress your body when you've finally left it. I want to brush your hair and tell you all my most intimate and private thoughts as I wash the form that once contained YOU. I want to possess your remains, even briefly. They are mine. I will not surrender them to any other. I w...